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[13 Dec 2009|10:43pm] |
Being pregnant.. I'm not really up for having sex. It's uncomfortable and it hurts. So, Corey gets mad about it.. instead of being understanding. I told him to deal with it because it's uncomfortable and hurts etc..
So he pulls out what I said about a week ago in a huge fight we had about how I don't feel he gives me enough emotional support lately.. and says that if I'm not going to care about his needs than and I quote "If you think I don't give you emotional support you can just deal with it"
UMMMM.... Emotional support in a relationship (especially with pregnancy involved) is WAYYYY more important than sex. There's other ways he can deal with his issues.
I can't believe he actually said that to me. I wish I could move right fucking now. But I have to wait for the transfer to go through. =/
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| What a twist.... |
[12 Dec 2009|11:00pm] |
I've lived in Illinois for a little over 3 months now. Everything was good. At least for awhile. After I moved here, I slowly started learning things about my boyfriend's past and lifestyle that I hadn't known before.
Now, I'm pregnant - Due July 11th and I'm finding out even more stuff that's not exactly satisfying to hear. He's never had a job since I've been with him but I thought it was just lack of jobs available. Turns out he's not even trying. Still not trying even though we're expecting a baby. I almost got a second job to make ends meet before I knew I was pregnant.
I've also found out that this will be his fifth child. I knew of two others but apparently he doesn't talk about the other two. I'm wondering if he would have ever told me if his mom hadn't mentioned something to make me think and ask questions. Seriously!?! Four other kids and you don't have a job or try to help support them!?!
It's wonderful that you care about me, except not when I voice any of my opinions that you don't agree with. But that's not enough to get by anymore because it's not just about me. I have a child to think about for the rest of my life and that child's best interest is all that matters to me now.
Being pregnant has opened my eyes to a lot that had been going on. A lot that I didn't see as a huge issue until I woke up and reality set in.
* Drinking isn't recreational.. You really are an alcoholic and apparently AA did absolutely nothing for you.
* You don't know how to help take care of your children and you blame the mothers for anything that went wrong.
* I shouldn't need a second job, You should get a job and be helping me.
Among other things.. I don't have time to talk about everything I've realized since I finally opened my eyes.
Needless to say, I put in my transfer request and talked to my current store and the old store I was at in Iowa. They're going to okay the transfer (It's supposed to be a 6 months period before you can transfer again) and the old store is willing to take me back. My aunt and uncle are offering me their spare room to stay in, along with all the baby stuff from when my god daughter, Kaitzen lived there.
Telling Corey was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I wasn't sure how he'd take it. I still have to live here until the transfer is complete, and I was worried it would make things difficult. So, I told him that I want to move back to be able to see doctors I know and trust throughout my pregnancy. Which, I can't do if I have Illinois state insurance. Granted, that's not a false statement. I absolutely hated the doctor I saw for my first visit. It's just not the whole truth. However, it's the story that needs to be stuck with for the time being to make the time I have left here more tolerable. I'm moving back.. not breaking up (yet)
I'm not okay. I'm emotionally torn apart. Being a mom has always been a life goal for me. I always hoped it wouldn't be on my own though. I won't go through it alone, I'll have all the help and support from my friends and family. But judging by his past, I doubt the baby's father will end up having much to do with the baby. Why would number 5 be any different than 1-4!?
I'm just looking to the future and hoping for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. July can't come soon enough!
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[26 Oct 2009|11:19pm] |
I can't do this alone!
I can't do this on approx. 30 hours pay a week!
Not exactly sure what I'm going to do.
I'm about to crack!
& it won't be pretty
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| I'm just here.. |
[19 Sep 2009|06:54pm] |
The move to Illinois went smoothly. Transferring stores was easy, and so far, I like this store better. It's bigger, prettier and cleaner. The people however, I miss the people that I worked with for five years. Here, I just go to work and do my job then go home. There's a select few that I talk to if/when we're working in close proximity to each other. Other than that, I don't really pay much attention to the people I work with.
Living with Corey is amazing. It's nice to be able to wake up and have him here. He's got me overly spoiled. Makes me lunch and has it ready when I get home for my lunch break. He does the laundry and cleans the house... I pretty much just work. It's a really nice change from all the meaningless relationships I've been in before. It proves to me that maybe there's a reason why it never worked out with certain people.
The only issue I have, is that all my friends (other than Corey) are 100 miles or more from me. I can't just pop in and hang out for a little bit then head home. Granted, I didn't really hang out with very many people before. But I still had a few options. It's a small price to pay for overall happiness, I know this. I'm overly happy to be out of my mom's house, out of the cliques and unfair work practices of my old store etc... It just really sucks that I don't know anybody here. Some days it gets to me more than others.
Everything will work out though. I have no doubts about that. It's just a matter of time.
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[30 Aug 2009|11:52am] |
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I got all moved. I'm now an Illinois resident. As of Sept. 3rd I'll be employed at the Galesburg Walmart. There's a little tension in the house thanks to my dog.. But other than that it's good so far. I guess we'll see how long it lasts.
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alluring_regret's journal
