Make You Believe

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 04:43:12 GMT

Being pregnant.. I'm not really up for having sex. It's uncomfortable and it hurts. So, Corey gets mad about it.. instead of being understanding. I told him to deal with it because it's uncomfortable and hurts etc..

So he pulls out what I said about a week ago in a huge fight we had about how I don't feel he gives me enough emotional support lately.. and says that if I'm not going to care about his needs than and I quote "If you think I don't give you emotional support you can just deal with it"

UMMMM.... Emotional support in a relationship (especially with pregnancy involved) is WAYYYY more important than sex. There's other ways he can deal with his issues.

I can't believe he actually said that to me. I wish I could move right fucking now. But I have to wait for the transfer to go through. =/

What a twist....

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 05:00:38 GMT

I've lived in Illinois for a little over 3 months now. Everything was good. At least for awhile. After I moved here, I slowly started learning things about my boyfriend's past and lifestyle that I hadn't known before.

Now, I'm pregnant - Due July 11th and I'm finding out even more stuff that's not exactly satisfying to hear. He's never had a job since I've been with him but I thought it was just lack of jobs available. Turns out he's not even trying. Still not trying even though we're expecting a baby. I almost got a second job to make ends meet before I knew I was pregnant.

I've also found out that this will be his fifth child. I knew of two others but apparently he doesn't talk about the other two. I'm wondering if he would have ever told me if his mom hadn't mentioned something to make me think and ask questions. Seriously!?! Four other kids and you don't have a job or try to help support them!?!

It's wonderful that you care about me, except not when I voice any of my opinions that you don't agree with. But that's not enough to get by anymore because it's not just about me. I have a child to think about for the rest of my life and that child's best interest is all that matters to me now.

Being pregnant has opened my eyes to a lot that had been going on. A lot that I didn't see as a huge issue until I woke up and reality set in.

* Drinking isn't recreational.. You really are an alcoholic and apparently AA did absolutely nothing for you.
* You don't know how to help take care of your children and you blame the mothers for anything that went wrong.
* I shouldn't need a second job, You should get a job and be helping me.

Among other things.. I don't have time to talk about everything I've realized since I finally opened my eyes.

Needless to say, I put in my transfer request and talked to my current store and the old store I was at in Iowa. They're going to okay the transfer (It's supposed to be a 6 months period before you can transfer again) and the old store is willing to take me back. My aunt and uncle are offering me their spare room to stay in, along with all the baby stuff from when my god daughter, Kaitzen lived there.

Telling Corey was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I wasn't sure how he'd take it. I still have to live here until the transfer is complete, and I was worried it would make things difficult. So, I told him that I want to move back to be able to see doctors I know and trust throughout my pregnancy. Which, I can't do if I have Illinois state insurance. Granted, that's not a false statement. I absolutely hated the doctor I saw for my first visit. It's just not the whole truth. However, it's the story that needs to be stuck with for the time being to make the time I have left here more tolerable. I'm moving back.. not breaking up (yet)

I'm not okay. I'm emotionally torn apart. Being a mom has always been a life goal for me. I always hoped it wouldn't be on my own though. I won't go through it alone, I'll have all the help and support from my friends and family. But judging by his past, I doubt the baby's father will end up having much to do with the baby. Why would number 5 be any different than 1-4!?

I'm just looking to the future and hoping for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. July can't come soon enough!

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 04:21:09 GMT

I can't do this alone!
I can't do this on approx. 30 hours pay a week!

Not exactly sure what I'm going to do.
I'm about to crack!
& it won't be pretty

I'm just here..

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 00:01:17 GMT

The move to Illinois went smoothly. Transferring stores was easy, and so far, I like this store better. It's bigger, prettier and cleaner. The people however, I miss the people that I worked with for five years. Here, I just go to work and do my job then go home. There's a select few that I talk to if/when we're working in close proximity to each other. Other than that, I don't really pay much attention to the people I work with.

Living with Corey is amazing. It's nice to be able to wake up and have him here. He's got me overly spoiled. Makes me lunch and has it ready when I get home for my lunch break. He does the laundry and cleans the house... I pretty much just work. It's a really nice change from all the meaningless relationships I've been in before. It proves to me that maybe there's a reason why it never worked out with certain people.

The only issue I have, is that all my friends (other than Corey) are 100 miles or more from me. I can't just pop in and hang out for a little bit then head home. Granted, I didn't really hang out with very many people before. But I still had a few options. It's a small price to pay for overall happiness, I know this. I'm overly happy to be out of my mom's house, out of the cliques and unfair work practices of my old store etc... It just really sucks that I don't know anybody here. Some days it gets to me more than others.

Everything will work out though. I have no doubts about that. It's just a matter of time.

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 16:53:32 GMT

I got all moved. I'm now an Illinois resident. As of Sept. 3rd I'll be employed at the Galesburg Walmart. There's a little tension in the house thanks to my dog.. But other than that it's good so far. I guess we'll see how long it lasts.

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 05:30:46 GMT

I have eight more working days left in my old store. Just how lovely of them to make me stay for inventory on the 20th. Lame!!

Oh well, I'll be glad when the 28th comes. I'll be partying that night and then moving day is the 29th. I'll be glad to have it all over with. This packing and moving shit while working full work weeks is very tiring.

I start my new store on Sept 3rd. I'm excited for the trip to Minnesota to see Quietdrive with Chris, Kris and Corey. =) Lots is going on and it's all good things for once. I couldn't be happier.

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 20:09:55 GMT

My transfer is almost complete. Or I think so anyway. The lady at the Galesburg store said she put the job offer into my transfer request this morning. She said to get with my store's personnel manager and decide a last day and then to call her and that we'd be able to go from there in deciding a start day and what not.

This couldn't happen at a better time. Honestly. I got a text from my aunt today saying that my mother emailed her. Apparently, my mom seems to think that emailing my aunt is the way to talk to me. Yes, it works because my aunt and I talk. However, be a fucking adult and TALK TO ME.. She spends all her time a room away. Sitting on her computer playing World Of Warcraft... She can get off her ass and walk into my room.

The other day she sent me a message from aim to my phone.. asking if I had $40 because her check for the water bill bounced and the water would be shut off if she didn't pay it by the next morning. First off, STOP TALKING THROUGH TECHNOLOGY... Get off your ass and talk to me like a human being.

As for the email.. No, I'm not living at my aunt's house. If she ever talked to me like a human being she would know that I have no money to give her rent because I had to spend half my check to get Illinois license plates on my car after my punk bitch of an ex boyfriend stole the Iowa plates off my car while I was at work. She would also realize that I stopped paying her rent when my brother and his girlfriend moved back from Florida with an entire moving truck worth of stuff that's piled in the living room and kitchen.

I guess she told my aunt that they've all tried to be nice to me and I'm nothing but rude to them. Yeah, okay whatever.. Get the fuck off my back.

But anyway, my transfer should be complete sometime really soon. Then I'll be moving to Galesburg, Illinois. At which time I plan to cut all ties and move on with my life. This is the best thing to happen to me for as long as I could remember and anything that's bringing me down will be left behind.

This time next month.. I'll be in heaven.

Things Change...

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 23:34:00 GMT

One of these days things will fall into place. Everything will work out the way it's supposed to and the things that have fallen apart will finally move out of the way so the things that are meant to fall into place can do so.

Lately, it seems as though things are falling into place quickly and amazingly. I couldn't be happier. In fact, I don't remember a time when I was happier. A lot is going on but it's a lot of good to replace the many bad things that are in the past.

I'm keeping my head up and hoping for the best.

Hello World

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 08:14:31 GMT

I haven't posted since December.. But I never have anything of substance to write about. Although I have things to write about now, I don't have words to express them with other than...

I think it's safe to say.. This heartache I'm feeling is proof that I need to be a mother.

And I'm hurt that she moved away, when five years ago she's the one that begged me the most, not to move back to California. I've lost my friend, my cousin and my little sister just by losing one person. Add my god daughter to that and you might as well find me a replacement heart.

I really fucking miss them and I hope more than anything that Kaitzen doesn't forget who I am... because that would crush my heart into a million pieces. I'm not her mom but god mother has to mean something.

Fuck Off Winter

Sun, 28 Dec 2008 07:29:29 GMT

I've always hated winter. Even in California when all it did was rain and get "cold" which to me at the time cold was 50 degrees. HA! I'd love a 50 degree day right about now. But ever since I've moved to Iowa, I hate winters more and more every year.

Anyway, I thought I was going to die today. No joke. Chad and I were on our way back to town, to bring me home. We turn onto the on ramp to Hwy 34. To the right of said on ramp is a regular ditch. However, to the left of the ramp is pretty much a cliff, that goes down pretty far. I've noticed.. This is not uncommon for Iowa on ramps. Anyway, we turn onto this on ramp slowly and we're driving for a few seconds when we start to slide. The sliding turns into spinning.

We came entirely too close to the edge of the left side. (The side with the cliff) The creepy thing is that subconsciencely, I imagined a car sliding uncontrolably on the ice and then rolling all the way down the cliff. (my imagination was not our car though, damn it!)

When we were spinning I didn't know what was going to happen. I'm pretty sure Chad didn't really know what was going to happy either. Needless to say, I thought I was done for. Thankfully, we came to a stop eventually. The car was completely backwards on the on ramp. Chad got us turned back around veryyy carefully and he got me home.

(Apparently on the way back after dropping me off, Chad somehow munched an orange road block barrel. The text I got when he got home was, "Uhh well... I'm home but the cars wobbling bad")

FUCK OFF WINTER.. Seriously.. Just leave me & my boyfriend alone already!

[edit] On a better, more positive note (almost vomit worthy) Chad doesn't seem to mind that he goes into ditches all the time while trying to drive the 25 miles to come see me. "If I didn't think it was worth it, would I keep coming down?" Yeah... I like him a little bit =P [/edit]

Thankful

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 09:22:24 GMT

Three Words
Eight Letters

It's really funny how easily the words "I hate you" roll off my tongue
And how much I stumble on something else with the same amount of words and letters.

It's so much easier and so much more accepted to tell you I hate you.
But I don't. Not even a little bit.. Not even at all.

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 09:24:48 GMT

Life is a fucking puzzle. Lay the pieces before me and my brain becomes the jigjaw master. Slowly picking up, sorting and shifting pieces until they fit together. One by one, slowly a picture forms. Want to complicate things and hide pieces? Much like "Where's Waldo" in a crowded room? After awhile of searching, I'd still find the striped bastard. And after searching for missing pieces, I'll still manage to find them. If for some reason, a piece remains unfound, I'll mold together one of my own and pound it into place to fit the empty spot.

I've gathered pieces and placed them together. My eyes are cloudy and I might not be seeing clearly.. the foggy image makes me uneasy. At this point I want to hit the table, flip the board and break apart the fucking puzzle!

Throw it back in the box... I'd rather not be a jigjaw master this time.

Cancer isn't a joke.
I hope I'm fucking wrong

Love Me Dead

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 01:30:13 GMT

Love me cancerously
Like a salt-sore soaked in the sea.
'High-maintenance' means
You're a gluttonous queen
Narcissistic and mean.
Kill me romantically
Fill my soul with vomit
Then ask me for a piece of gum.
Bitter and dumb
You're my sugarplum.
You're awful, I love you!

CHORUS
She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
And when her edges soften
Her body is my coffin
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed

Must be the sign on my head
That says, oh...
Love me dead! Love me dead!

You're a faith-healer on T.V.
You're an office park without any trees
Corporate and cold
Gushing for gold
Leave me alone.
You suck so passionately
You're a parasitic, psycho, filthy creature
finger-bangin' my heart
You call me up drunk
Does the fun ever start?
You're hideous and sexy!

REPEAT CHORUS

Must be the sign on my head
That says, oh...
Love me dead! Love me dead!

SOLO

Love me cancerously
Brrrot-dot-da-d-da-da!
How's your new boy?
Does he know about me?
You've got the mark of the beast.
You're born of a jackal! You're beautiful!

REPEAT CHORUS

Wha' 'bout that sign on my head
That says, oh...
Love me dead!

-LUDO

A little political opinion

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 05:54:12 GMT

Before you read any further into this post.. understand this is MY journal and I'll write whatever I want. If you have anything negative to reply with, don't even bother!

Oh joy! We get to be led by yet another moron for four years. Seriously?! Barack Hussein Obama II?! Friend to William Ayers? That alone was enough to make me against him. He hasn't been in the senate very long. He's not very experienced.

Honestly, if America wanted "change" so bad.. Shouldn't it have come down to Clinton and Obama in the end. They would have had change there either way. Sure, society has changed over the years. However, I honestly don't think this country is truely ready for a "black" president.

The part of me that grew up where I did and around the people I did, thinks this is the stupidest thing America could have done. The other part of me, the part that's grown up a lot in the last few years, hopes that America is right.

I'll still make my jokes and forward the jokes I receive.. Because it's hilarious to hear what people have to say. But I won't actually consider myself doomed until he actually messes something up.

Lets sit back and see where this all ends up.

On another level.. Seriously California.. What the fuck is wrong with you!? Yes on Prop 8!? Who are you to deny gay people equal rights as American citizen? Hopefully it's taken to supreme courts and proven as a violation of the bill of rights. Hopefully Prop 8 is overthrown!

L-O-V-E?!

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 07:17:26 GMT

"Just never actually say it and it won't jinx it"

Sure that makes him sound like a jerk kinda. Which he is sometimes. But, I think he might actually have a valid point. I can love somebody and let them know by proving it to them and it'll probably mean way more than if I actually say those three words that scare so many people.

Besides.. Actions speak louder than words.. Right?

In other news.. I'm really sick. I've got a fever of 100.6 a headache from hell that won't go away and a painful swollen spot on my neck that hurts to touch or move. Not to mention I've got the usual back pain that seems worse the past couple days because my immune system is being attacked.

I go to the doctor tomorrow afternoon.. We'll see what happens.

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 10:28:10 GMT

"I've said it before and I'll say it again:
Life moves pretty fast ...
If you don't stop and look around once in a while,
you could miss it!"

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 01:20:53 GMT

It just hit me that I leave day after tomorrow.
Maybe I should pack.. Hmm..

10 Step Program

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 07:45:04 GMT

10 step program

1. Make friends
2. hang out with friend
3. laugh and have a good friend with friend
4. realize they care about me and like me
5. develop feelings for friend
6. attempt to date friend with thoughts of "if you don't date people you won't know who you're supposed to be with for a long time or forever etc"
7. watch friend turn into a completely different person
8. be treated like crap from said person
9. stop talking to said person since the "being friends" thing never works out
10. Be strong, pick up and move on to repeat steps 1 thru 9

I'm currently on step ~~five~~ SIX... I hate this crap. I'm so tired of it. I wish I had a remote.. to pause things at step six. I'm so tired of the messed up stages. I'm so tired of having to start over

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 22:58:03 GMT

My wrist hurts like hell.
The Fairfield ER says it's not broken
Chris looked at my xrays too (he's a tech) he said he didn't see anything but sometimes small breaks don't show up right away.

I've had two people tell me that Fairfield told them they weren't broken when they actually were. I'm debating getting a second opinion from somewhere else.

We'll see what happens between now and tuesday or wednesday.

The pain killer the ER gave me don't work for shit. Just make me tired.. don't take away the pain at all. I haven't been in this much pain since my car accident in 2005

Note to self: Stop punching people!

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 06:00:53 GMT

I remember when Brice was busy going on and on about how he loved me and how I didn't know what it felt like because I'm such a cold-hearted bitch that nobody probably ever gets a chance to break up with me... etc etc.

Well, Dave broke up with me today. And honestly, I feel like a really bad person because of the reason that I'm upset about it. Maybe I am a bad person.

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 21:54:27 GMT

It's cold and rainy. Perfect hoodie weather. Perfect stay in bed all day and be lazy type weather. But being lazy in bed all day is no fun when you're the only body consuming your entire bed. Even if your bed is only a tiny litte twin.

Love is something amazing. When all you want is to be with that person that makes you smile constantly. When they're the last person you think of before you go to sleep and the first one you reach for when you wake up. But 400 miles can leave a lot of space open for doubts and negative thoughts.

A close friend of mine often says I'm strong as hell. Because I can deal with the distance. The love I have is strong enough to get me through the many miles and several days sometimes weeks between seeing the person who holds my heart in the palm of his hands. I've never been this voulnerable. He has the ability to make me smile at my worst and laugh when I want to cry. He's proven that he genuinely cares and yet he has the power to crush my entire world at any moment. Unfortunately, negative thoughts about such activites fill my head from time to time due to the 400 miles between us and the difference in our work schedules.

My chest physically hurts because I miss him that much. Honestly, for a little while I didn't know what the pain was from. It took me a little while to admit to myself that it was because he's gone. I wish I had the funds and abilitly to drive and see him when I don't have to work. It feels somewhat unfair that he has to make all the effort to come see me... Simply because I don't have the money or a way to get there.

I've never wanted something, or felt like I needed something, as much as I wish I could spend everyday with him. I almost bypassed my vacation back home because I thought about taking that time to go to his house and see where he grew up. Instead, I've invited him to go with me. The best of both worlds and I'll be able to introduce him to the other important side of my life.

Now, saving the money to be able to actually go.. That'll be a challenge. Hopefully I'll be able to.

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 18:51:59 GMT

Right now.. I just want to be close to him. I don't want to wait five years for it to happen. Hell, I don't even want to wait one year. Because right now this 400 mile difference is pretty much killing me.

I know I've said it before.. but I honestly have NEVER felt this strongly about anybody in my entire life. If I had to I would drop everything. Maybe I'm crazy.. but that's just how it is.

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 18:39:23 GMT

I fucking hate cell phone companies.
Right now I actually pretty much hate life in general.

Fuck this!

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 05:59:08 GMT

My bank account and I have decided that I'm no longer allowed to go shopping when I'm upset or sad etc. Apparently I'm horrible at keeping track and well, If I pay my cell phone bill (that was due 8/3/08) I will have approximately $30 to last me until next payday which isn't until the 21st.

Yeah.. I'm pretty much feeling much crappier than before we all went out. =/ But on a good note, we went Ice Skating and it was wonderful!

Thankfully Dave is buying my Paramore/Jack's Mannequin ticket. I wouldn't have asked him except that he's pretty much yelled at me in the past about how he'll help me if I need help. And how I damn well better tell him if I'm struggling. So, yay for awesome boyfriends I guess. -shrug-

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:52:49 GMT

When I'm at work.. I complain that I need a day off. Or better yet, a vacation! But when I have day or two off, I don't know what to do with myself.

So what is it that I really need?
I'm confused, bored, lost and kinda lonely.