16 months later...

A lot has happened since I last posted anything.. Not going to lie, I forgot about this bad boy. Last time I posted I was about two month pregnant. Oh boy what an adventure it's been!

I move back to Iowa and spent half of 2010 in and out of the hospital. My pregnancy definitely wasn't easy. June 12, 2010 I went into emergency C-Section surgery a month early. My princess was born 4 lbs 5 oz. Perfectly healthy, just tiny. I almost didn't make it. But here we both are today! =)

After leaving Illinois in December 09, I stayed single for awhile. I was by myself through my whole pregnancy. Thankfully, I have amazing friends and family. Baleigh Star and I didn't get along at first. I blame the fact that we didn't have that initial bonding time that mother and baby get right after birth. It was 18 hours after surgery before I ever got to even see my daughter.

She turned 10 months old today. We've come a long way in ten months. She's my everything. I would do anything for that little girl. She loves her mommy too! I'm pleased to be able to say that her first word was "mom" She lays in her crib in the morning babbling "mom mom mom mom" It's the cutest thing ever!!!

Despite everything while I was pregnant and what we went through for a bit after she was born.. Her father and I are on good terms again. He seems her when he can.

Anyway, I tried to date somebody.. that didn't work out though. Baleigh seemed to be "in the way" for him sometimes and that's just not okay with me. I also helped get a "friend" out of a shelter. Her and her obnoxious toddler stayed at my house for a bit. That was the biggest mistake I've made in a long time. She was the most ungrateful, back stabbing girl I have ever met. Too bad I didn't know that before, right? She neglected her own son all the time and seemed to be more interested in the internet, her phone, and random guys.

Needless to say, that didn't work out and she moved out shortly after. However, she didn't like me calling her out on her poor parenting skills, so after she moved, she decided to call DHS and report to them that, and I quote, "Sometimes Tiffany gets frustrated and slaps or shakes Baleigh." Um, No bitch! That's never happened and you've now messed with the wrong person!!

I had to take Baleigh to the doctor to be assessed, to prove that she had no injuries and wasn't sick, etc. It was super stressful. Good try, girl. At least you know what the most important thing in my life is, so you know where to stab to cause the most damage. Unfortunately for you, the doctor didn't find a single thing wrong with my perfect happy healthy little girl. So, that's classified as an unfounded case and it'll be dropped.

I'm terrible with chronological order.. But somewhere in there, a friend of mine was moving away. I decided to go visit him before he was too far away to drive to. We were just really good friends at the time. I didn't think anything of it. He's always been there for me, every time anything's happened, he was right there next to me. But I kept telling myself that he was just my good friend. After visiting him, that's not the case. We both instantly realized that no, we're not just friends and we were kinda naive to ever think that. He moved as planned, but only stayed away for a week.. He then hopped back on the train and moved to my house.

Things haven't ever been better. He's amazing. The way he looks at me, the things he says to me, all the stuff he does in and around the house to help out. Plus he currently watching Baleigh while I'm at work, since he's job searching. He's so good with her. He treats her like she's his own child. She loves him all the same.

Things have been completely mixed up this past year. I wouldn't change any of it though. I've learned from the mistakes I've made and will only grow stronger from them. Everything that's happened has helped to mold me into the person I am today. I'm happier than ever being such and amazing "single" mommy and the best girlfriend possible.

I have the best friends and family ever. Without them, I might not of made it through 2010 in a sane manner. Here's to the rest of the year being as amazing as can be!!

- Lets see if I remember to update this thing more often.. lol -

(no subject)

Being pregnant.. I'm not really up for having sex. It's uncomfortable and it hurts. So, Corey gets mad about it.. instead of being understanding. I told him to deal with it because it's uncomfortable and hurts etc..

So he pulls out what I said about a week ago in a huge fight we had about how I don't feel he gives me enough emotional support lately.. and says that if I'm not going to care about his needs than and I quote "If you think I don't give you emotional support you can just deal with it"

UMMMM.... Emotional support in a relationship (especially with pregnancy involved) is WAYYYY more important than sex. There's other ways he can deal with his issues.

I can't believe he actually said that to me. I wish I could move right fucking now. But I have to wait for the transfer to go through. =/

What a twist....

I've lived in Illinois for a little over 3 months now. Everything was good. At least for awhile. After I moved here, I slowly started learning things about my boyfriend's past and lifestyle that I hadn't known before.

Now, I'm pregnant - Due July 11th and I'm finding out even more stuff that's not exactly satisfying to hear. He's never had a job since I've been with him but I thought it was just lack of jobs available. Turns out he's not even trying. Still not trying even though we're expecting a baby. I almost got a second job to make ends meet before I knew I was pregnant.

I've also found out that this will be his fifth child. I knew of two others but apparently he doesn't talk about the other two. I'm wondering if he would have ever told me if his mom hadn't mentioned something to make me think and ask questions. Seriously!?! Four other kids and you don't have a job or try to help support them!?!

It's wonderful that you care about me, except not when I voice any of my opinions that you don't agree with. But that's not enough to get by anymore because it's not just about me. I have a child to think about for the rest of my life and that child's best interest is all that matters to me now.

Being pregnant has opened my eyes to a lot that had been going on. A lot that I didn't see as a huge issue until I woke up and reality set in.

* Drinking isn't recreational.. You really are an alcoholic and apparently AA did absolutely nothing for you.
* You don't know how to help take care of your children and you blame the mothers for anything that went wrong.
* I shouldn't need a second job, You should get a job and be helping me.

Among other things.. I don't have time to talk about everything I've realized since I finally opened my eyes.

Needless to say, I put in my transfer request and talked to my current store and the old store I was at in Iowa. They're going to okay the transfer (It's supposed to be a 6 months period before you can transfer again) and the old store is willing to take me back. My aunt and uncle are offering me their spare room to stay in, along with all the baby stuff from when my god daughter, Kaitzen lived there.

Telling Corey was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I wasn't sure how he'd take it. I still have to live here until the transfer is complete, and I was worried it would make things difficult. So, I told him that I want to move back to be able to see doctors I know and trust throughout my pregnancy. Which, I can't do if I have Illinois state insurance. Granted, that's not a false statement. I absolutely hated the doctor I saw for my first visit. It's just not the whole truth. However, it's the story that needs to be stuck with for the time being to make the time I have left here more tolerable. I'm moving back.. not breaking up (yet)

I'm not okay. I'm emotionally torn apart. Being a mom has always been a life goal for me. I always hoped it wouldn't be on my own though. I won't go through it alone, I'll have all the help and support from my friends and family. But judging by his past, I doubt the baby's father will end up having much to do with the baby. Why would number 5 be any different than 1-4!?

I'm just looking to the future and hoping for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. July can't come soon enough!

(no subject)

I can't do this alone!
I can't do this on approx. 30 hours pay a week!

Not exactly sure what I'm going to do.
I'm about to crack!
& it won't be pretty

I'm just here..

The move to Illinois went smoothly. Transferring stores was easy, and so far, I like this store better. It's bigger, prettier and cleaner. The people however, I miss the people that I worked with for five years. Here, I just go to work and do my job then go home. There's a select few that I talk to if/when we're working in close proximity to each other. Other than that, I don't really pay much attention to the people I work with.

Living with Corey is amazing. It's nice to be able to wake up and have him here. He's got me overly spoiled. Makes me lunch and has it ready when I get home for my lunch break. He does the laundry and cleans the house... I pretty much just work. It's a really nice change from all the meaningless relationships I've been in before. It proves to me that maybe there's a reason why it never worked out with certain people.

The only issue I have, is that all my friends (other than Corey) are 100 miles or more from me. I can't just pop in and hang out for a little bit then head home. Granted, I didn't really hang out with very many people before. But I still had a few options. It's a small price to pay for overall happiness, I know this. I'm overly happy to be out of my mom's house, out of the cliques and unfair work practices of my old store etc... It just really sucks that I don't know anybody here. Some days it gets to me more than others.

Everything will work out though. I have no doubts about that. It's just a matter of time.

(no subject)

I got all moved. I'm now an Illinois resident. As of Sept. 3rd I'll be employed at the Galesburg Walmart. There's a little tension in the house thanks to my dog.. But other than that it's good so far. I guess we'll see how long it lasts.

(no subject)

I have eight more working days left in my old store. Just how lovely of them to make me stay for inventory on the 20th. Lame!!

Oh well, I'll be glad when the 28th comes. I'll be partying that night and then moving day is the 29th. I'll be glad to have it all over with. This packing and moving shit while working full work weeks is very tiring.

I start my new store on Sept 3rd. I'm excited for the trip to Minnesota to see Quietdrive with Chris, Kris and Corey. =) Lots is going on and it's all good things for once. I couldn't be happier.

(no subject)

My transfer is almost complete. Or I think so anyway. The lady at the Galesburg store said she put the job offer into my transfer request this morning. She said to get with my store's personnel manager and decide a last day and then to call her and that we'd be able to go from there in deciding a start day and what not.

This couldn't happen at a better time. Honestly. I got a text from my aunt today saying that my mother emailed her. Apparently, my mom seems to think that emailing my aunt is the way to talk to me. Yes, it works because my aunt and I talk. However, be a fucking adult and TALK TO ME.. She spends all her time a room away. Sitting on her computer playing World Of Warcraft... She can get off her ass and walk into my room.

The other day she sent me a message from aim to my phone.. asking if I had $40 because her check for the water bill bounced and the water would be shut off if she didn't pay it by the next morning. First off, STOP TALKING THROUGH TECHNOLOGY... Get off your ass and talk to me like a human being.

As for the email.. No, I'm not living at my aunt's house. If she ever talked to me like a human being she would know that I have no money to give her rent because I had to spend half my check to get Illinois license plates on my car after my punk bitch of an ex boyfriend stole the Iowa plates off my car while I was at work. She would also realize that I stopped paying her rent when my brother and his girlfriend moved back from Florida with an entire moving truck worth of stuff that's piled in the living room and kitchen.

I guess she told my aunt that they've all tried to be nice to me and I'm nothing but rude to them. Yeah, okay whatever.. Get the fuck off my back.

But anyway, my transfer should be complete sometime really soon. Then I'll be moving to Galesburg, Illinois. At which time I plan to cut all ties and move on with my life. This is the best thing to happen to me for as long as I could remember and anything that's bringing me down will be left behind.

This time next month.. I'll be in heaven.

Things Change...

One of these days things will fall into place. Everything will work out the way it's supposed to and the things that have fallen apart will finally move out of the way so the things that are meant to fall into place can do so.

Lately, it seems as though things are falling into place quickly and amazingly. I couldn't be happier. In fact, I don't remember a time when I was happier. A lot is going on but it's a lot of good to replace the many bad things that are in the past.

I'm keeping my head up and hoping for the best.

Hello World

I haven't posted since December.. But I never have anything of substance to write about. Although I have things to write about now, I don't have words to express them with other than...

I think it's safe to say.. This heartache I'm feeling is proof that I need to be a mother.

And I'm hurt that she moved away, when five years ago she's the one that begged me the most, not to move back to California. I've lost my friend, my cousin and my little sister just by losing one person. Add my god daughter to that and you might as well find me a replacement heart.

I really fucking miss them and I hope more than anything that Kaitzen doesn't forget who I am... because that would crush my heart into a million pieces. I'm not her mom but god mother has to mean something.